Let Me Feel It Fully

I have spoken a lot about dating—online dating, dating in person, giving people a chance, and giving myself a chance to find that kind of connection again. Maybe I have had this realization before. Maybe it is not an epiphany at all. But it returned to me today with enough weight that I wanted to hold on to it.

I refuse to let other people determine how I experience something new.

When I meet someone and feel that spark of attraction or interest, I tend to be all in emotionally. I allow myself to feel the excitement. I imagine possibility. And when things do not work out, there is always that moment of thinking, “Darn. Again. I let myself fall for it.”

But I do not believe openness is the mistake.

Every experience that did not become what I hoped still gave me something more valuable than the disappointment. It taught me what I want, what I will not accept, what tenderness feels like, and where I still need to grow. Even the endings have revealed parts of me I might not have met otherwise.

I do not want one person—or several people—to take away my ability to feel excited at the beginning. I do not want hurt to make every new person answer for the people who came before them. I do not want to greet possibility with crossed arms simply because possibility has disappointed me before.

There is wisdom in being discerning, but there is also courage in letting an experience be what it is while it is happening. I want to laugh when it is funny, blush when it is sweet, and feel hopeful when hope arrives. If it ends, I will tend to that ending when it comes. I do not need to rehearse grief in the middle of joy.

Maybe protecting myself does not have to mean feeling less. Maybe it can mean trusting myself to survive whatever I allow myself to feel.